Formalities

People are people and relationships are relationships, but there is something about people’s interactions here that is unlike what I feel at home. People seem more guarded here somehow. It could still be the language barrier that prevents people from letting me in, but still interactions are different. Maybe this is too harsh, but there seems to be a lack of emphasis on the truth and honesty. Perhaps it is just displayed in a different way. Let’s see if I can try to explain this.
For starters at home I get annoyed with the programmed, how are you? I am good responses. If things are rough… a lot of people still say they are good. If times aren’t good, the person asking often doesn’t really want to hear about it. They just want to hear about the good things. I don’t feel this way in all communities at home. I really value the ones where I can say, ‘Things are a little rough.’ And the other person can take it as it is and the conversation doesn’t come to a halt. Any how…all greetings are programmed like that here. I haven’t learned how to say things are ok, or not good. Sometimes if I say I’m tired people don’t know how to respond. You go through the routine, hi how are you? Fine, how is home? Good, how is work? Fine. Greetings are HUGE here. But always routine. Visiting a member of the church in the hospital I saw his wife go through the same thing. I’m good, my husband is fine, he is improving, thank your for you kindness we are fine. Not true!! It was a serious situation and he wasn’t improving initially, she hadn’t slept in three days. Really should have been sleeping rather than entertaining visitors. It doesn’t seem to be acceptable to admit these weaknesses. This is just one example too.
I love the community at the church. They have so much passion and energy. I love them! But the community doesn’t seem very personal. Little things get up out in the open but big struggles are not exposed or even mentioned. Perhaps they are not here, perhaps it’s to difficult to mention them, perhaps I don’t understand. I would expect a community like this to challenge each other more, at work, spiritually, in home lives. They are very close. That is something that I love, but everything always seems so formal and fine. At home close knit communities like this one are much more transparent about what is going on in their lives. Not everywhere for sure. And a different work environment wouldn’t call for that, but in a church that is as close as this one, I’m surprised at that aspect of people’s interaction.
There seems to be no room for constructive criticism either. Even in the work environment. That is something that I really value. I want an honest assessment of my performance and how to improve it. There are some church leaders that tell us white folks to speak up when we have something so say. They tell us that they want our input, but when input is given, people often get defensive and the information isn’t received. On the other side, I want to be helpful and useful. There must be ways that I can do better or help out more, but whenever I ask they respond with unprecedented praise.
Something that I can’t quite get my head around. Not that there has to be a reason why. It’s interesting the subtle differences you learn working and living with people for an extended period of time.